whoa thats creepy

i just checked in here to procrastinate.

but now all the hairs on my head are standing.

and im having that electricity in the brain i get when i have "religious experiences."

that post below dated march 11 (today) @ sitting in the ER was not posted by me.

i mean i wrote it and posted it a long time ago. right before my first clinical fuck up last semester. but then i changed my mind rt away and took it down. like w/in mins of posting it.
i never deleted it. i saved it as a draft, see.

oh fuck that electricity is off the charts now. fuck.

reasonable explanations: could be a blogger glitch. or someone couldve hacked my account and posted it. (but i dont see anything else funny on my blogger dashboard...so of all things, why that post?).

crazy explanation: i've been "reaching out" for help to get me thru this nursing thing lately. and lately ive been shooting myself in the foot. like today, for instance, i shot myself in the foot on the last day of clinical for the other class. and im at the moment unprepared for tomorrw clinical which is also the last clinical for this class (tho i am working on it right now). could this post, which appeared just now w/o explantion, which kind of marked the beginning of my downward spiral be the reminder i needed from a source unseen?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

no matter the explanation, its ressurection does have significance for me.

i am thankful.


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p.s. i notice it was dated today @ 10something am. 2 things. 1) i was at the other clinical today at that time. 2) if i had re-published that post, it would have have retained its original publish date, sometime after midnight, sometime last semester. wow.

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p.p.s "that image." its changed. its more "intrusive." and in some ways, more vivid. wait. intrusive not the right word. its not unwanted. more like persistent. and its more approachable. and the electricity is still there.

So I'm sitting here in the fucking ER

Even tho I have clin tmrrw

cuz when I got home not long ago one of my roommates met me outside n was all serious and freaking out and shit saying I need to go inside like rt fucking now because someone needs my help. Like rt fucking now. So I walk inside and my drinking buddy roomate is pretty much bleeding to death cuz he cut himself with a ceramic knife. Not sure what that fucking means but its all I have to go with for now.

So after failing at controlling bleeding for @ 10 mins I learn he's been bleeding nonstop for the last 20 mins. And of course I say we gotta go to th ER... but of course was followed by debating which ER to go to because of pay issues or some shit. Actually was the other roomie who snapped some sense n said to worry bout pay later bc not worth it to lose a limb over this money concern.

So anyway I don't know what the fuck is going on and I still gotta write a paper for clinical tmrrw (I kno...wtf is that, right?) And haven't done all the research yet and I don't have my shit to write it with and I don't know if I'm able to miss any clinicals and I still gotta get up early to research pt and beat traffic and get decent parking and all that shit tmrrw.

So rt now I'm debating how long I should wait b4 I should just fucking bail and let him figure out how to get hold of me. I mean dude dint even go to triage, just had his vitals checked at receptionist and off he went behind the mysterious door. For all I know he's gonna be admiitted to ICU.

And he doesn't even have my new phone number. And I don't have his. Like he can still get thru to me but its all complicated.

So where was ? I dono bu am considering emailing or texting the clin instructor abt not coming in if this runs too late into the night...

where can i learn to be a sushi chef?

i think i would like to heal others (the psychic said i have a healer theme this lifetime) through their bellies, all while mesmerizing them with flamboyant knife skills.

oh wiat. i dont think id like to make a living by slicing up poor defenseless fishies. nvm. :(

one of the things i got written up for at the last clinical...

i totally disagree with.

the other stuff - i was guilty of, and make no excuses for, and was ready to accept whatever consequences they wanted to dish out - including being kicked out of school.

but i got written up for not reading the article* - when i did in fact read the article. i mean how the fuck could you possibly know whether a guy reads an article or not?

i was called on first.

clin instr: (*_*), what was wrong with the patient? [or whatever]

me: he needed a pacemaker

clin instr: why did he need a pacemaker?

me: something was wrong with his heart

clin instr: ...

me: ??? uhhhh.... [flips through article]

clin instr: ok [other student], why did he need a pacemaker?

and that was that.

discussion of the article ensued. that "incident" would be added to my write-up.

but rly who fucking cares if i couldnt answer that question. the reason for needing the pacemaker was trivial. and honestly, even after the post conference discussion, i still dont remember the exact reason the guy needed the pacemaker. and honestly again, i could ve read the article 10 more times, and i still wouldnt have remembered why he needed the pacemaker.

that 5 page article was about the author's aging father's decline in quality of life after having it prolonged by a pacemaker that was implanted, without his understanding that it neednt be, during an unrelated surgery. THIS is what i came prepared to discuss - the main point of the article - the bigger issues of technology, informed choice, and of quality of life versus quantity of life. i mean seriously she might as well have asked me what the name of the father was or how many times the author used the word pacemaker - more trivial bullshit that would have me drawing blanks.

see this is exactly what i mean by nursing school being so fucking annoying - more punishment and more time wasted on bullshit!!

i think this is what the psychic meant about me being a deep thinker, and more likely to succeed in other pursuits. "they" can talk about "critical thinking" and whatever all day, but all i ever see is muddy thinking, inefficiency, and laser guided focus on everything that doesnt matter. and the interesting thing is they're like 100 million times better here than in that other program.

dont get me wrong tho. i was never mad about this incident.

it is just * t o o o o o o * s t o o p i d * to get upset over.

besides, ive been written up so many times already, i dont see how it could matter.
----
*technically, i was accused verbally of not reading it, but written up for not being able to answer questions about it. whatever.

its still a tossup

but i'll prbly have something satisfactory to turn in if i skip lecture today.

anyway i just realized why i find nursing school to be so fucking annoying:

I
am more interested in learning about stuff like disease, labs, treatments, etc.

THEY
are more interested in monopolizing my time with busywork and rules, all of which necessarily take me away from my interest (and my free time). crap like care plan packets is the most dramatic example, but it extends to just about everything.

typical.

so im in the position where i have to churn out a bunch of careplan packets by tmrrw afternoon or i can pretty much kiss this whole nursing thing goodbye. thing is ive been sitting here for hours and i still cant get started. i cancelled my plans for the evening so i can do this? sit here and procrastinate? its fucking stupid.

sitting here for hours, what i have accomplished is i've listened to a bunch of music i normally wouldnt listen to and ive read all kinds of blogs i normally wouldnt read. like the one by the gay guy with his unusually graphic tale of getting cockblocked by a particularly self-centered friendd or roomie or something while he was naked making out with some guy he was about to bone (lol).

i've also contemplated starting a (real) nursing school blog (again). theres a lot to consider. but theres kinda no point if im not even gonna be in nursing school 24 hours from now :( and even if i make it past tomorrow, i still have fri to deal with. then saturday. and all their paperworks. :(

heres the thing. i feel a lot more focused than i have in a while....xcept when it comes to careplan packets. they just fuck everything all up.

a long time ago i told myself i wouldnt complain about nursing school anymore (like i used to). and i havent. even in this post i havent. and wont. but fucking aye. those fucking careplan packets....

so this psychic says...

in a past life i was an american female nurse who died in the korean war - and thats why i got drawn (back) into nursing this time around.

ok, then i guess careplan packets must have been a recent addition to nursing education bc no way in hell i would willingly put up w that careplan crap two lifetimes in a row. f that.


---
also, nursing per se is not rly my path this lifetime as much as is expressing my healer theme through writing/teaching/touch, where i would find more success.

care plan paperwork paperwork paperwork

doesnt matter if im focused or not. its still lame. :(

i just printed off 16 pages of paperwork for clinical tomorrow

really? 16 pages every single week? ms "clarafy" thinks this is necessary? wtf?

on a positive note, i dont see that ridiculous time consuming medication form (which ironically i prbly like the most out of all the paperwork (besides the systems assx form...which also is absent) even tho its more trouble than its worth imo)

fucking aye are u srs?

all i wanted to do in the current program....was to fly under the radar and graduate just being an average joe. or a john doe. hahaha. usu i draw attn by being fucking excellent. well ive done a marvelous job of avoiding excellence. but fucking a, i still blip on the directors's (yeh theres two) radars....only for stupid shit. latest shit: having a clin instr email the dir @ me for not knowing (bc no one ever told me) there is a hospital....errrr health care facitlity orientation tmrrw. lollolololool

:(

oh and btw...rly? this inst couldnt just give me info about the orientation? instead has to mail the director to "clarafy" (lol) the issue? gimme a fucking break.

whatever happens

its gonna be close either way

whats new, part iii

so i just did the math

i need 100/150 questions right on teh final just to pass. thats 66.666%

should be doable right? right?!!!!

i dont know. fuck.

whats new, part II

7.5hrs b4 the final shouldnt be the time where u go..."oh so thats what [basic terminology/concept/etc] is"

better late than never. but fuuuu... i gotta stop doing it like this.

so whats new?

i had so many chances...
yet here i am, hanging by the skin of my teeth again.
i need a miracle.
but maybe an allnighter will do. :) and :(

natural child birth

another thing i learned is whole childbirth often(?) involves popping babies out in water.


delivery under the water!!!

dolphins optional.

placenta

so i learned last friday that some people eat placenta.


Cooking Up Placenta

first bite @ 2:25. "livery but nice." nice.

i wanna see this on iron chef one day: "today's secret ingredient....PLACENTA!!!"

oh one more thing

take home tests where u have to cite the rationale out the textbook are the deal. for me, theyre more helpful than any other assignments, papers, quizzes, in-class exams, and studying for those things. if i had nothing but take home tests like this from this point out, i'd be in really good shape.

oh and one other more thing...i kinda put myself in the position again where i have to cram to learn basically the whole classs before the final again. the good news is kinda know the main points and at least i gave my self several weeks this time. :)

cool trick

if u iron ur scrubs right out the washer while theyre still wet, you can save so much time/effort on ironing them compared to when theyre dry...esp if they dry with wrinkles. ill pbly iron again before i wear them but seems that depending on how you store em to dry while theyre damp, u might not even have to iron them again.

this may only be worth mentioning if u normally hang dry em like i do. if u let em hang and they dry w wrinkles, it sometimes takes some effort to iron the wrinkles out. i dont remember what theyre like if u put em in dryer. the only times these scrubs went in the dryer was when somebody put them in the dryer wo me knowing way back in feb or something like that.

this what i'm up against

here's my med surg clinical instructor, peter pan

i just dont get this guy.



here's peter pan ignoring yet another one of my emails



here's how the talk we had last week should have gone

peter pan: you didnt bring your paperwork. that means you will pass meds late as a nurse.

*me: rly? thats a pretty fucking stupid analogy. those things are nothing alike. in one situation, i'm already on the floor doing what i'm getting paid to do, for real life sick patients that need their meds to get better. in the other i have to slave away for hours to write some time consuming steaming pile of garbage that is 1% useful, 99% busywork that i failed to grab on my way out the door.

peter pan: i'm concerned that you are concerned with passing the course. i question your motives for being a nurse. and i need to protect the nursing profession.

*me: u fucking kidding me? you know i need to pass to move the fuck on in the program dont u? n you realize u just pulled me aside to tell me that im not passing the course, rt? if passing is not a big deal, then why did u bring it up in the first place? the whole point is so i can make some changes so that i can pass...er i'd like to think it is. cuz if you pulled me aside to just let your inner dickhead rant about how youve got something personal against me...then fuck you. and my motives? excuse me but go fuck yourself. youre seriously overstepping your boundaries there buddy. i'm here to learn nursing and youre here to teach it. you need to evaluate and teach nursing. and just nursing. my motives and my life outside of clinicals is none of your fucking business got it?

peter pan: you're obviously knowledgeable about the medical stuff when i ask you about it. but that's not everything.

*me: doooooooood. i get it. you dont like me and youre trying to downplay everything and anything that actually matters and instead want to bitch and rage inappropriately about some stupid papers like its the most important thing in the world and im a failure with no redeeming qualities because of it. ZZZzzzzzz.

* = what i should have said but didnt

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to be finished/edited later.
i'm supposed to work on some presentation thing for tmrrw. uggh.

i still can't believe it...

i'm still putting in more time/effort into OB than MedSurg.

why the fuck im doing this - i dont know. (i'm never gonna work in this area).

yet here i am doing it again.

and i do this wk after wk. (xcept when i slack off and dont put any time into either one).

weird.